Dear UK,

PLease stop using this word colour or however you spell it over on your island. We hate your freaking choice of how to spell it. Look, it's color. Make it easy. Stop your english pontification and just let us have the "u" back. That's all we ask of you. And listen, gas is easier to stay then petrol. deal with it.

I promise my five readers that I'm back!!! to write some more...

Geez. I've taken so long to write something. Wow. I'm seriously sorry to the five people that read this that i've given you nothing for a while. Be ready....it's about to start going again.....and it is going to rock your face off!!!! I'm going to write so much crazy in this little web spot that you aren't gonna be able to control your little selves. you just wait. booya.

My darling wife...

Let me take a moment to write in here how wonderful my wife, Kara, is. I've been working the most I've ever worked since we got married and it's been super rough on her and Emmie and me. A job in the music industry tends to have these moments attached to it but when it's this busy, it's not fun at all. My family has been so supportive and gracious to me despite the long hours lately...Thank you Kara...and thank you too my little beauty. I love you both so very much...

Help for Immigrants

Dear English language,

Please decide: Grey or Gray.

December 26th

I'm not entirely sure which is worse....December 26th or January 2nd. Both of these days suck. If I had a million dollars and I could use said million dollars to erase both of these days from the calendar, I might do it. I'd more likely just pay off my house and go to Mexico but I'd definitely at least look into the whole idea.

After thorough deliberation, I had decided that December 26th was actually the worst day of the year. I think that's because Christmas is the best day of the year. It's kind of the best thing Earth has going for it. If you live in some country that doesn't celebrate this holiday, you are missing out. You should buy a tree and hang some stockings and watch Frosty the Snowman on YouTube.

Christmas just makes me feel all nice inside.....so much so that I actually don't even understand the annual we're commercializing Christmas and it's a travesty debate. People get all hot and bothered over the fact the Home Depot has trees and Santa figurines out in August. I say bring them out in June. Let's make this thing a six month ordeal. You know everybody secretly feels that way....they're just not saying it. That's why the 26th is so awful. We have this beautiful build up and we're all buzzing around town for a few months drinking cider and listening to carols and wishing we lived in some up-state New York town that's got two feet of snow and a Trolley and a fat guy named Earl that owns a hardware store and gives advice to the locals about how to hang their Christmas lights and hands out those little peppermint candies no one eats to little kids and then it just goes away overnight....literally. We wake up on the morning after Christmas and it's like waking up from a really bad dream where the Broncos fire Mike Shanahan and everything is in total turmoil and oh no we're going to miss the playoffs for the next five years and then.......breathe.

Oh wait that happened.

But then I re-deliberated. I don't think that's a word....re-deliberate. I suppose you can re- anything if you want to. Sue me. January 2nd is the worst day of the year hands down. Now compared to the month of February it's not so bad. I would spend my million dollars getting rid of February. And Texas. But back to 1/2. It's supposed to be like a new beginning or something. It's the day everybody goes to the gym because they have to fulfill their New Years resolution to get healthy and stop eating processed cheese products and drinking so much beer. And they can't go on January 1st because they're eating processed cheese products and drinking so much beer. January 2nd is not a new beginning. It's the day after the new beginning. It's like the day after driving a new car home that you bought from a dude who lives 8 hours away and now you're just content to let it sit in the driveway while you sack out on the couch and try to convince yourself that those seats really are comfortable and my back doesn't hurt at all and this really was a good purchase and that guy was only getting rid of this car because he wanted a newer car I mean people get rid of cars all the time with 2600 miles on them right?

I'm just going to cast my vote right now that we go from Christmas to March. Unless the Broncos somehow make it to the Super Bowl in the coming years. Then I vote we go Christmas-Super Bowl Sunday-March.

Pizza burns

I've been eating bad again. Well...that's not entirely accurate. I've never really stopped eating bad. I kind of do it a lot. I guess I should probably say something like, "I've resumed eating bad after taking a short three day sabbatical in which I consumed various creatures of the sea excluding shellfish (fat and cholesterol content), Odwalla Superfood, and multiple products containing soy."

I simply enjoy the taste of saturated trans fats. I'm not going to lie. I imagine they taste delicious all by themselves. In fact, if America hadn't gone health crazy like they have in the past few years, I bet McDonald's would be selling succulent little deep fried trans fat cubes to go along with your Big Mac and Diet Coke. I'd have bought an order probably. After all, I tried the McGriddle. It's the same thing. I'm making changes though. I'm gonna start eating salad or something. Soon.

So today I got up and had some cereal for breakfast and then a turkey sandwich for lunch. I also took some vitamins and a baby aspirin. Pass. Then I went out with my friend Brad and we smoked cigars and drank beer. Fail. I came home from the cigar shop and ate an entire frozen pizza all by myself. Fail. I ate a ginger snap covered in frosting. Fail. I had one piece of dark chocolate. Ten years ago that's a fail but I guess it's good for you now. Pass (only to make me feel better).

Ok, so here's where I'm upset with myself and the world. Pizza is a starving man's food. It needs to be quickly devoured upon arrival.....whether it came from Pizza Hut or your oven. Problem is, that's simply not possible. The roof of my mouth is proof. I'm like that rat who just can't learn the right way out of the maze no matter how many times I get zapped. I just want to tell myself, listen, as certain as the Raiders have had, are having, and will have a losing season next season, PIZZA WILL BURN YOUR MOUTH STUPID! Get prepared. Do something about it. We should start a foundation or something and get celebs to tax write off donate to us. Well maybe not so much but it was an ambitious thought. I think I'm going to just let my pizza hang out in the freezer for a spell until it calms it's evil self down and becomes edible without destroying my mouth in the process.

Seriously though, somebody needs to draw up some legislation against over hottified pizzas. Give it to the democrats. They'll busy themselves with this. We'll have a law next week and by the way your income tax just went up 10%. Have a nice day. Change is coming!!! Yippeee!!!

Profound thought of the day: Pizza hot. Hurts. Don't do it.

I'd probably write more but I took a 10mg Ambien and I'm starting to feel strange. Time for bed.

The Bigger Half

So I was watching this peanut butter commercial and this kid and his friend are splitting a PBJ. Kid 1 says to Kid 2, "I got the bigger half." I thought about that statement for a second and decided that Kid 1 is full of crap. If you have the bigger half, it's not a half anymore. It's like 13/24ths or something like that. Kid 1, you are stupid.