Rules for Halloween

I like Halloween. It's a fun holiday. You get to dress up and eat sugar and not feel bad about it. Halloween is that holiday that's really great when you're a kid and really great when you have kids. It kind of becomes lost for a while during the in between years. When you're a boy, there are really only two acceptable costumes to wear. You either dress up as something scary or you dress up as some comic book character. If you've chosen to go the scary route, your options include the following: Any mask that is gratuitously gory, has realistic matted hair, a possible hatchet wound to the skull including or not including said hatchet still stuck in skull, three-dimensional clumps of blood and/or brain matter surrounding hatchet wound and other various poorly stitched up wounds on face of mask or around the eye cavities. Please note that the mask must cover the entire head of the person wearing it. A facial mask is a cop out. You are also allowed to wear a mask that relates to any of the current multiple sequel horror films currently being played in the theatres. Like that crazy dude from the Saw movies that I won't watch.

It's important to know that there are unspoken rules about what you CAN'T be as well. No Frankenstein, no animals, and absolutely no ghosts. If you dress up as a ghost for Halloween, you can kiss whatever credibility you've built up in school goodbye. I realize how easy it is to cut some holes in a bed sheet and tie a bath robe belt around your neck but it's a no no. Don't do it. Don't be Dracula either. I freaking hate Dracula. And it's always those weird fringe kids that go as Dracula....you know....the ones that probably would be a vampire in real life if they had the choice.

You can also choose the comic book route. This includes any super hero but mostly Superman. I think I was Superman for two years in a row in elementary school. All young boys want to be or think they are Superman at one point in their lives. This continues throughout adulthood but none of us will ever admit it. I'm just saying that if I could rip my light blue buttoned shirt open, part my hair to the other side, and expose a big red spandex "S" to the world right before I put some thug through a building, I'd do it. So would you.

If you do choose the comic book route, you can't be a character from Star Wars. Star Wars fans are just strange....and they always dress up as Obewan or a storm trooper. The other day I saw this forty year old guy dressed up as a storm trooper at this festival in downtown Franklin where we live. I imagine he tried that costume on at least four time before that day.

If you're a girl, you have a much easier time finding a costume at Halloween. Be a princess or a cuddly animal of sorts. Every girl I knew in elementary school was something pink or pastel blue and princessy....or they were a cat. Princess costumes include any or all of the following: wands, halos, magic slippers, and ballerina outfits. Girls can get away with being an animal on Halloween. They have the cute factor. Oh look at Susan with her sweet little kitty costume and those painted on whiskers and that tail safely pinned to her butt. Original. Funny thing is when everybody turns thirty, those girls are still wearing that kitty costume and it's no longer any man's concern how original the costume is. The concern now is how many days it is until next Halloween and will you please wear that costume again? My wife was a cat for a Halloween a few years ago. We stayed in.

Somewhere in my early years, churches decided that Halloween was Satan's holiday. Now, keep in mind. I'm a Christian....I'm not out to knock my kin. But...it's always seemed funny to me how Christians went on an all out assault of Halloween when I was young. It seemed especially prevalent when I was in junior high. All of a sudden, you didn't go trick or treating...you went to the church "harvest festival" and you dressed up as Noah or something. What the heck is a harvest festival anyway and what's wrong with dressing up like a Ninja and asking for candy from your neighbors? I don't get it.

Halloween is just fine with me.